he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
