i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
