Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
