So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I cut my penus on the lid.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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