Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
