One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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