Please, let me fuck your mom
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Randomize
