you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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