I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
