I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You've changed since you got that strap on
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
