he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
