Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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