HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
