I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Are we still banned from the library?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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