I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Well I just put wine in my tea
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
