where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
