Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
