how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
