ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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