ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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