Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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