my being single is dangerous.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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