I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
