I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize
