You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
