You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
