you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I just found puke in my bra..
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
