what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
