the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
