i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
