When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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