Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
