i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
