you're like a bully in the Christmas story
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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