I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
