new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
