Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
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