I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I smell stomach acid.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Randomize
