Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
