I think im going to throw up on grandma
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
