You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize
