Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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