Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
