My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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