i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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