I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
birth control should be required to get into college
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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