He had one of those small greek statue penises
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
