Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
