OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
