The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
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