I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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