alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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