If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
